I believe divine intervention brought me back to the Church as an adult.As a child I was very religious but lost it all when I reached puberty.I dabbled in Bhuddism for a while but I could not do the yoga meditation-it just was too physically uncomfortable and I got nothing out of it .When my father died suddendly in the 80′s I felt the shock of the reality of death,I remember walking outside that night with my husband [a lifelong athiest] and for the first time I noticed a Catholic Church.I noticed the Catholic church looked like a church my father took me too when I was very little[it was the same style].The horror of death was with me and I thought there’s obviously no God and no afterlife and they should burn all the Churches on earth.Some time after that I started having health problems for the first time in my life[a rapid heart rate]. I went to the doctor’s and after the check up I was walking down the street to go to the subway on my way home when I couldn’t stop thinking how physical we are and the reality of the fact that we die.Again I felt the horror of death and all of a sudden I wanted God .I looked up at the sky [I just did] and I saw the sun above me and all of a sudden it looked like there was a black ring arond the sun and I felt the horror that there is no God.And I even “heard” or”thought” to myself that there was laughter and words that said;”only God can save you but there is no God you’re nothing and everyone is nothing and it’s all nothing”.I even saw in my mind faces of people who I always believed were true geniuses and brilliant and who were athiests and who I admired for their courage in being athiests.I saw them in my mind and thought how I finally was one of them truly not believing in God and that for all their brilliance and genius and courage they could not save me ,Only God could save me and there is no God.I felt terrified and then told myself it was just the sun beating down on me and it would all go away when I got in the dark,cool subway.I ran to the subway but even there the thoughts would not go away -the thought that there is no God and we’re all nothing .I got home and I stopped talking to my family.All I could think of was that it’s all nothing and we’re all nothing.I remember once my son said something to me and I didn’t listen and didn’t respond because all I could think of was that it’s all nothing. I then heard my husband say”Why are you talking to her?Don’t you know she doesn’t talk” I realized then that I hadn’t been interacting with my family but thought to myself “good for them that they can talk ,they don’t know what I know-that’ it’s all nothing” .At work I stopped talking with co-workers.At break time I would sit in the same location and just close my eyes feeling the horror that it’s all nothing.I started noticing that everyday when I was sitting there at break time someone would walk by;a co-worker who didn’t work with me but who walked by everyday.[Years before I remember once going down a staircase there and he was walking up and for a moment as he walked by I just felt a tremendous peace come over me].Now he would walk by me when I sat there tormented by my beliefs that it’s all nothing and we’re all nothing.I tnoticed him and just thought to myself “-he’s just doing his job”. Then one day out of the blue when I was sitting there he walked up to me and said” the problem with you is you don’t believe in God”. Just like that ,he said exactly what was tormenting me.As soon as he said that -just hearing the word” God” made my whole being respond for the first time since all this happened.I said to him, “is there a God?” And he answered “Of course” .As soon as he said that my whole being lept with joy.I KNEW it was true and that this horror that I was experiencing was not true.That God was real ,that God was good and that all that mattered was God.Just hearing the word God from another person when all I had been thinking was that there is no God ,was like a horrible cloud lifting and I knew God was real. I was trembling with joy just hearing him say God.And then I told him how since my father died I just felt that we were all nothing.I told him how my father was very religious and if there were an after life he would have communicated that to me.Then he said” maybe he can’t.I’m herre.” I knew then that it was true.God was real and had intervened through this person[named Charles] and that God heard my cry for help.Charles then told me to start going to church ,to just sit there for a few minutes everyday [on my way to work] and to start reading the New Testament a few minutes every day and to start praying.He told me to just say what was in my heart.I knew then that not only is there a God but that for the rest of my life I would want God and that the purpose of life is to want God.I even remembered the last time I was in church in my teens thinking it was a bore and I wanted to “live” not spend time in church and I realized now that life we were created to want God. I went home and started talking to my family again and did indeed return to the church.The first time I walked into the church as Charles recommended I do, I was trembling with the awesomness of recognizing the reality of God.I also remembered how my father had often told me that all my problems came from the fact that I had left the church.Now I am back in the Church ,the greatest consolation in life.Though faith is not something I take for granted.it’s nothing to be complacent about and so much in the world is oppossed to faith.But I now recognize that faith in God and a God who loves us so much that he sent His only Son to give us greater life with Him is the greatest gift a person can have.Without the Church [the sacraments, the eucharist and liturgys and the prayers,]it’s very difficult to keep the faith.I believe God intervened by sending my co-worker Charles to announce to me the good news of Jesus Christ.”Knock and it shall be opened” says Jesus.That is true for me.praise the Lord!
Ine more thing I do remember as a child when i was very religious, once when i was outside playing ,i was running around and all of a sudden my heart started beating very fast.I was truly religious and did not feel afraid.I walked away from the other children and I did look up to the sky and told Jesus that he could take me right then and there I wanted Him to take me .Then my heart suddenly stopped beating fast and I was actually disappointed that Jesus did not take me then and there.I siad to Jesus”I guess that means you don’t want me now. o.K. But one day you will”. And I went back to play.It wasn’t till all those years later when again I felt that rapid heart rate.But by then I was no longer religious and only felt fear.But God did bring me back to His Church and to Him by that heart event event years later.”A long and winding road.”Jesus never abandons us though we abandon Him;”Down the highway,down the street ,down the road to ecstasy,I followed you beneath the stars ,hounded by your memory” like that Dylan song conveys to me.